love & hate

This girl has seen more than she can handle,
Day by day she’s reduced to nothing, like a burning candle.
Her life as dark as the bruises she has seen,
But she remains bright
She’s convinced she can rise like the moon light

She finds comfort in the warmth of a palm
And from a heartbeat she sings and she hums
With relief she falls into open arms

She has been longing for something else
Something she can’t get from herself
But later realizes she has fallen into a trap
Like skin the palms are exposed and begin to grab
Around her neck they wrap

This girl as naive as most
Hums to a beat but not like before
She hears thumps and then a roar
Reminded of what she has seen
In her recurring dream
She hits the floor

Little girl gets love but never from within
She’s suffocated by the arms she found warmth in
With no options she chooses to run
Because her worst nightmare has now begun

Young girl do not lament in darkness
All arms are not a harness
Believe in Him up above
And please, do not give up on love.

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from victim to victor.

my apologies for the misunderstanding or the lack there of, from myself and any woman who has survived sexual assault.

all i know is i’m sorry,
i’m sorry the hem of my skirt
is an invitation for you to blurt
all that makes me feel like dirt,

i’m sorry i acted like your slurred words were unheard,
because they made me feel like my comfort was never preferred.
as you chauffeured me,
i hoped ignoring you would free me from your verbal arrest,

i’m sorry my eyes sent a message,
and opened up a physical passage
that made every no i screamed a yes,
and now my body i no longer possess.

i’m sorry i believed these lies,
that the right to my body is a social disguise
based on the notion that a man has a right to anything in his eyes.

i’m sorry i didn’t get the memo,
that if i drink too much i go from being a woman to being your hoe.

i’m sorry if my apology isn’t coming off entirely too sincere
so let me break it down and make it a bit more clear.

this apology is a symptom of a social disease,
seen from the street just outside your house to completely public bus stations.

with outbreaks of slut-shaming and victim blaming,
there is no cure in sight,
under this current system of patriarchy.

if a person has been raped,
look for the rapist
and not the reason.

i wrap myself around myself to remember who i am,
because who i’m not is embedded so deep
and now i’m completely lost.

 

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light in the shadows.

finally trying to face my demons,
pay the piper They say,
the only person i owe is me.
i need to be free,
i need to think,
i need to speak,
i need to feel pain,
i need someone to blame.

what we had was real,
at least that’s what i thought.
maybe real is something for you that it isn’t for me,
maybe we were real but something happened that i didn’t see,
maybe i hoped for something you couldn’t be, for me.

i thought we had open lines of communication,
i thought there was something wrong that you would mention,
but that’s the problem; i always assume and never take action.

i am human,
i build bridges, read books,
and hold grudges.
i love you, that’s no secret,
you messed up and only i see it.
our bridge collapsed,
but in my dreams it relapsed
and i try to forget.

i know i pushed you away,
but that was the only way,
for me to heal,
to see the real,
and now i kneel.

i pray i find healing in seeing you,
because right now it hurts to know you’re happy without me
unfazed, i’m simply erased.

i pray i stop hoping you’ll come back.
i set you free and you aren’t a boomerang.
They say if it comes back to you it’s yours, but you never came back.
with understanding here i lack,
They have crossed the line,
does that mean you were never mine?

and if a fallen bridge is all i remember,
i pray it reminds me of what we had,
and shows me more than just a silhouette.

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