from victim to victor.

my apologies for the misunderstanding or the lack there of, from myself and any woman who has survived sexual assault.

all i know is i’m sorry,
i’m sorry the hem of my skirt
is an invitation for you to blurt
all that makes me feel like dirt,

i’m sorry i acted like your slurred words were unheard,
because they made me feel like my comfort was never preferred.
as you chauffeured me,
i hoped ignoring you would free me from your verbal arrest,

i’m sorry my eyes sent a message,
and opened up a physical passage
that made every no i screamed a yes,
and now my body i no longer possess.

i’m sorry i believed these lies,
that the right to my body is a social disguise
based on the notion that a man has a right to anything in his eyes.

i’m sorry i didn’t get the memo,
that if i drink too much i go from being a woman to being your hoe.

i’m sorry if my apology isn’t coming off entirely too sincere
so let me break it down and make it a bit more clear.

this apology is a symptom of a social disease,
seen from the street just outside your house to completely public bus stations.

with outbreaks of slut-shaming and victim blaming,
there is no cure in sight,
under this current system of patriarchy.

if a person has been raped,
look for the rapist
and not the reason.

i wrap myself around myself to remember who i am,
because who i’m not is embedded so deep
and now i’m completely lost.

 

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light in the shadows.

finally trying to face my demons,
pay the piper They say,
the only person i owe is me.
i need to be free,
i need to think,
i need to speak,
i need to feel pain,
i need someone to blame.

what we had was real,
at least that’s what i thought.
maybe real is something for you that it isn’t for me,
maybe we were real but something happened that i didn’t see,
maybe i hoped for something you couldn’t be, for me.

i thought we had open lines of communication,
i thought there was something wrong that you would mention,
but that’s the problem; i always assume and never take action.

i am human,
i build bridges, read books,
and hold grudges.
i love you, that’s no secret,
you messed up and only i see it.
our bridge collapsed,
but in my dreams it relapsed
and i try to forget.

i know i pushed you away,
but that was the only way,
for me to heal,
to see the real,
and now i kneel.

i pray i find healing in seeing you,
because right now it hurts to know you’re happy without me
unfazed, i’m simply erased.

i pray i stop hoping you’ll come back.
i set you free and you aren’t a boomerang.
They say if it comes back to you it’s yours, but you never came back.
with understanding here i lack,
They have crossed the line,
does that mean you were never mine?

and if a fallen bridge is all i remember,
i pray it reminds me of what we had,
and shows me more than just a silhouette.

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